I'm Okay, You're Okay
The Forbidden Fruit Calls
When I was a teen I remember there were a lot of books lying on the big round table next to my parents bed. Those books were always intriguing to me because they were grown up books and I was not supposed to read them. Well, of course, that made me WANT to read them. I distinctly remember that one of those books was called “I’m Okay, You’re Okay”. As a teen I thought that was kind of a big “Duh” sort of title, but nevertheless, I decided to pick it up and read it one day when no one was looking. At the time, it wasn’t as fun to read as some of the books I saw there, like the Godfather and Atlas Shrugged, so I let it drop off my radar. For the time being anyway.
Many years later when I was a leader in the hotel business I found myself studying human behavior and I ran across this book again. Someone had mentioned a theory called Transactional Analysis and that it was useful for coaching about boundary issues in relationships. When I looked it up, lo and behold I found the book my parents had beside their bed. As an adult and leader, this turned out to be one of the most important books I have ever read to help me understand the underpinnings of conflict and how to choose healthy boundaries in relationships. I find that I refer to it often and go back to read it when I find myself in a pickle.
Real Life
Recently I found myself in the uncomfortable position of being caught up in some relational dynamics that reminded me that all of us can take a dip south emotionally when we find ourselves in a situation that reminds us of past hurts deep within our psyche. This reminded me, ever so clearly, that we all have certain limitations that we must honor about ourselves. Those limitations are there for good reason and are there to protect us from what feels intolerable because of our own unique past. One of the good things about being an adult is we get to choose who is in our inner circle. We can decide who is good for us and can choose to spend our time with those who bring out our best transcending self. And we can stay away from those relationships that take us back to places that are just too uncomfortable or draining.
But it does not mean that we should judge those who stimulate those negative memories, because that is more about our own past than it is about the person being bad or wrong. Very simply, when two people get together and behaviors go south, they are more often than not, both reacting to past hurts. When we approach these relationships from a perspective of “I’m okay and You’re Okay..but we just don’t fit together” we are choosing healthy boundaries for ourselves and can move away from the relationship with mutual benefit.
The Trouble with Attraction
But here’s the rub. Theses strange patterns of human behavior can be confusing at times. One that I hear a lot in coaching calls is that we are often attracted to the people who are precisely the ones who rub us the wrong way. And we are strongly attracted to this same dynamic over and over again… until we learn the lesson in our development journey. I call those people the “mirrors” who show us ourselves and reveal our opportunities for development. Thank goodness for a good sense of humor or we could get very frustrated with ourselves for being so dense that it takes a repeated pattern to figure it out. Why do we choose to stump our toe over and over? Especially, when it really hurts?
The good news is that if we are growing, we pull ourselves up by the bootstraps as quickly as we notice we are repeating an old pattern, we examine the lesson in it and we decide to change something important. This is a healthy response and it takes courage to break the pattern. Its one of the reasons leadership is not for babies. These are hard decisions and hard choices. And we often have to make those choices for other people if they are unable to hear feedback or make changes themselves.
The Blame Game
When I teach this concept to clients (or myself when I need a good licking!) very often the first reaction we have is to blame. The “other person” is always “much worse” when we are hearing a story from one side. And yes it is true, that some people are less able to control these impulses and can wreck havoc in the workplace because they operate more in their negative patterns than in their transcending self. But the bottom line is that we can all have these tendencies in certain situations if we feel threatened. It is then that we must choose to act with courage. The “choice point” we must embrace is that it takes two to sustain a pattern and one person must be the one to break it. If not, then they must accept the negative consequences that go along with continuing the negative “dance”. It’s a little like feeding the monster, in both ourselves and the other person if we stay. Breaking the pattern with new choices is the only healthy choice.
Where it all Begins: The Three Ego States
To understand the underpinnings of conflict, one must first understand the various ego states that exist in our psyche. When we are growing up in our family we have memorable experiences that stay with our psyche for life and become part of our repertoire for how we relate to others. We have the ego state that comes from our parent role (superego) which is learned by observing how they interact and teach us how to survive (be safe) in the world. The second is the child ego that is really about the inner experience of what it was like to be a child in our family. The third ego state is the adult ego which develops slowly over time as we begin to use our frontal lobe and learn how to reason, think logically and problem solve effectively. In children, this ego state is not fully developed until our early twenties when the frontal lobe is fully matured.
The Healthy Adult Ego State
Here’s where the problem comes in. Development of the healthy adult ego state can be impeded by parents who operate in unhealthy ego states of parent or child and this can set us up for a lifetime of patterns that take years to mature. Here’s one example…
Some parents can exhibit overly nurturing or overly critical parenting, causing the child to stay in their child state far more often than in the developing adult ego. There are three primary reactions to this overly controlling parenting (that continue to feed our reactions later in life):
The Anti-Authority Rebel
One way the child can react is with excessive rebellion, needing “to be against” something, resistance to authority figures and general acting out against anyone or thing that remotely reminds them of authority. This is the ego, desperately trying to get what it needs (specifically, the freedom to grow and be an adult with full autonomy over oneself). Yet the adult ego has not been exercised early in life, so the development of the adult reasoning is always overshadowed by strong emotions of anger and this gets them into trouble when they need to cultivate a cooperative relationship with a supervisor or want to create a peaceful family environment.
The Compliant Dependent
Another way overly controlling parenting can manifest negatively is when a child resorts to compliance. This person develops into an adult who is overly self-forgetting and missing key boundaries that protect the self from the manipulation of others. The child in this case survived the family of origin by flying under the radar and not causing trouble. The choice to fight held too much emotional or physical risk and therefore the child says “yes” when they really mean “no”..deep down inside. This can work to keep the peace in the short term, but as the child grows up and wants to be an adult, they begin to sense that they are betraying themselves if they give in to others who attempt to control them. The adult ego state wants to develop and is thwarted by the overriding desire to keep the peace. Therefore, as an adult, this person becomes a doormat for others unless they can do the hard personal work to operate more in their healthy adult ego state and choose reasoning and objectivity. As in the example above, the healthy adult is not fully developed and will continue to cause relationship problems because they are inviting other to take advantage of them and they are bound to get angry eventually and will withdraw completely.
The Wandering Escapist
The third reaction to this kind of parenting manifests the child who wants to live like Peter Pan. This reaction to being controlled is one form of rebellion that is a little harder to pin down. This person develops into a person who diverts the control by being unattainable and only wanting to spend time on the novel fun things of life. The trouble is, they want others to pick up the pieces and take care of the mundane duties of life and are often therefore unable to take care of themselves. They are wonderfully fun, humorous and entertaining, but getting a true commitment may be an exercise in futility.
In short, it is a daunting role we have as parents to navigate all of the possible problems our imperfect parenting creates. We all do the best we can to protect our children and help them prepare for the world at large. The point is that we will all have certain tendencies toward these patterns in different doses and we are all responsible for our own wonderful journey of learning.
How it Connects to the Tilt Model
The Transactional Analysis theory is well developed in the Tilt Leadership Model as follows:
Overused Humanity=
Nurturing Parent (creates dependence in others and takes too much responsibility for others)SOLUTION: Green Zone= Help others take responsibility and be assertive with accountability)
Overused Wisdom=
Compliant Child (wants everyone to follow the rules and do it right or withdraws)SOLUTION: Green Zone= Be assertive in ways that honor yourself and let go of being rules-bound.
Overused Courage=
Controlling/Critical Parent (wants to dominate others, often assuming they are weak)SOLUTION: Green Zone= Be respectful of others as equally capable of taking responsibility & thinking for themselves.
Overused Resilience=
Rebellious Child (Wants the freedom to do as they wish without others controlling)SOLUTION: Green Zone= Learn to discipline your time and say NO when you are tempted to over-commit, rather than doing workarounds that you hope will keep the peace.
The Solution: I’m Okay, You’re Okay
The ideal ego state for the work environment is healthy adult ego where both parties are responding objectively to the hear and now facts. In this case, both can employ healthy parent (offering respectful guidance when needed) and healthy child (having fun together but not at the expense of the work) but mostly stay in a place where blaming, criticizing, controlling, complaining and rebellion do not play a role. But it takes two to commit to this approach, or else the demise of the relationship is inevitable. If both can say, I’m Okay and You’re Okay, and they resist the urge to blame (I’m Okay, You’re NOT Okay) then the relationship can be mutually respectful, mutually beneficial and for the most part peaceful and fulfilling.
So What Now?
The answer is to be aware of your own ego states, to notice them quickly and to get them under wraps when you notice them going into the unhealthy range of operation. No one is perfect all the time, but we are going to do our best when we catch our reactions quickly and meet the other person with honesty to hold them accountable for who they are being with us. We CANNOT do nothing, because doing nothing means the organization loses. One person who is acting too often in an unhealthy ego state can be poison for a team and leaders must be the ones to make the hard decisions to neutralize this behavior quickly for the good of the team.
When you notice for the first time that you are in a repeating pattern, that is the time to make the change. Beating yourself up for noticing too late is not helpful and is something you cannot control. One cannot be 100% self-aware all of the time. These life lessons often come in threes. We can be a little thick headed, it is true! A sense of humor is handy in such circumstances.
Courage is the Answer.
It takes courage to stay in healthy adult ego, when so many people bring their old patterns into the workplace. That’s why leadership is so critical to the norms, beliefs and values that make up the workplace culture. It is our job to balance those norms and help people have a healthy work environment. For others and for ourselves.
Pam Boney
Copyright November 2009